A lesson

比上不足，比下有餘，知足常樂！

I guess this will never exist in medicine?

I am proud of being who i am, thank you for bringing me down to the ground.

What do you(I) want?

To whom you may concern,

Have you ever thought of how much you actually worth?

Have you ever thought of how much do you really know about about me?

Have you asked yourself why are you doing whatever you are doing now?

I was told that I am not focused.

I am not focused because i do not know which specialty i want to be in; i am not focused because i do not have a 6 month academic plan ahead; i am not focused because i did not know why i am not intercalating next year; i am not focused because i did not apply to do elective in US or any advance countries in Europe; i am not focused because i always find the easy way out of it ie planning to do my elective in Singapore, i find a doctor whom i know him very well so that he can teach me during my summer holidays..

' YOU ARE NOT FOCUSED!'

I am not focused maybe i am just not into it?

I always fail to find a reason why i want to be a doctor. Is that what i want?

Compete with people to find a job, secure a place in the specialty that you think you will like it for the rest of your life. Then, you focus on doing research/audit, hopefully it will get published before you get a job. After that, join national conferences as many as you can which will help you to gain 1 mark for national presentation level. What is next? Become a hypocrite to beg people for taking you into their research team, national audit, or study master programme to consolidate your CV? Is that what you want?

Why can't i choose to ignore this? What is so special for gaining all these? Is that the reason why you are here in medical field? Maybe it is my fault, i always think that being a good doctor is my target in my life. I can achieve that with a medical degree and good personality, the most important thing- A HEART. Will extra degree help? Will the name on the papers help? I do not know and i am not interested to know.

Everyone has a life, i choose my life. Who are you to judge me? I am not focused because of the reasons above? I am not capable because i did not have 100 cannulations and 100 catherterisations? I am getting my way easy out of it because i am not going to US? HAHAHAHA. the most fucking ridiculous thing is WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH?

I might worth less than a pence in your eyes, i might not get a job next year because i fail to fulfil the desirable components on job application form, so what? I am stupid, useless but i am still who i am, isn't it? I am a daughter of my parents, i am a sister of my 2 siblings, i am a friend of someone and i will be a doctor of someone who needs me. How much do i worth? I may not be a good daughter/sister/friend but i am still who i am.

I have spending 13 years of my life to please everyone around me. I have changed into a different person compared to who i was 13 years ago and i feel sorry that i can't go back to be who i was anymore. I seldom show my temper in front of people because im afraid of losing a friend, i always give up what i want to do because i want people around me to be happy. I am happy when you, you and you are happy. I am tough yet i am not.

I am not going to please you, that's not my life, that's a dog's life. Wait a minute, maybe i will if i fail to get a job? NO, I will quit. Quit the game, quit this field. There are so many interesting things out there, medicine is not everything. Well, at least for me, Medicine is not my everything, who knows i will end up doing non-related medical job in the future? Never says never, i hate rules and regulations, i hate routine jobs, basically i love free and easy life! So.. haha..

Thank you for your advice, i paid to have this lesson today. I played my role well as a medical student but you told me off saying that being a student who only knows how to attend lectures and posting = nothing. Thank you. Let me tell you one thing, I am not from Singapore and please remember this!

Yours sincerely,

Pei Hua Lee

(oh, can you please at least remember my name as well? Don't look at my name tag all the time!, oh as if you care)

BIG SMILE

Photo taken on my 24th birthday!

'.. Keep this smile..'

'.. Keep smiling, love..'

Why did everyone ask me to smile? Two random guys outside hospital asked me to keep smiling..

First post since last year..

From our last conversation...

SL: LEE PHUA
U NEVER TELL ME
http://abi​t86.blogsp​ot.com/
HAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well, thanks for reminding me, my last post was last year! wow.

maybe i should blog more often simply because we are too free these days.. hehe.

I always feel that i am a step closer to my friends when i read their blogs..

I dreamed a dream

In the dream, I knew how to answer every question in the progress test, I was happy, she was happy, everyone was happy..

8am in the morning..

Everything disappeared. Truth never lies.

Welcome back!

this is how i feel now

How can you totally ignore somebody without feeling anything?

'Treat you like air!!'

I am learning now..

Still learning.. after i failed so many times..

Pfttt..

Stress!! Stress! Stress!

I missed the smile..